there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
