I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
