apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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