I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is my gift to your gina
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
