You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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