i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
