it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
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I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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