So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
