The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
