I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
