I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
