I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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