tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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