You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
