she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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