I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
