And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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