Pants 0. Shit 1.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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