How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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