There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
