i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
