I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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