My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
