woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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