I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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