i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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