You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
