He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
