so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
