My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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