literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
