apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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