I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
