my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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