Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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