Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
