I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
