Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
