I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
