I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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