I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
