Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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