We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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