Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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