EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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