I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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