My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
