I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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