I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
