I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
