Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
