Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
