I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
