Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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