Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
