Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
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The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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