i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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